Some wonderful childhood memories came out of rummaging through the bin I finally pulled from my dad’s basement. The bin that was left behind when I moved to GR 8 years ago. At the time I had this idea that these were the things I was going to want to keep. Things I couldn’t part with and that would make me happy every time I looked at them. The sketchbooks from when I first realized my love for drawing were probably the best thing in there.
SO why did I save a box full of every card and every letter that I have ever received going back to my 7th birthday? Well reading them did make me happy for a little while. Seeing cards from my parents and it was kind of ridiculous how many “best friends” I had when I was little. Also there were letters from two pen pals I had in my pre-teen years, one from Texas and one from Greece; very cool things to have kept.
Then I got to the thickest piece of folded paper in the box, waiting there like a time bomb. I saw the wires and yet I cut them anyway like an idiot who thought he knew which one would save him. I read this letter in it’s entirety even though tears were streaming down my face before I was half way through the first page. This was one of the many letters that my former best friend Jessica had written to me while we were in different cities after leaving for college. In the letter that this one was written in response to I must have expressed a fairly strong fear about how I was afraid that she would forget about me, we would grow apart and she would just plain realize that she didn’t need me anymore. There were some strong words coming from her side about how none of that had even the slightest possibility of happening and that I had actually insulted her by feeling like I had to say it…
well for anyone who doesn’t know how this story ends, you do now. Everything that I was afraid of all those years ago is exactly what happened. It has been probably almost 6 years since we stopped talking and yet a stupid letter brings all those shitty feelings rushing straight back to the surface. I remember how it started with her ignoring a phone call or two and then any voice mails I left went unanswered over the course of about a month. Then finally after trying to talk to her online and her abruptly signing off I got an email. An EMAIL, explaining that we shouldn’t be friends anymore. I was angry and I’m sure I said some things I shouldn’t have but it’s just funny looking back on it, she almost had me convinced I was being paranoid…and there in stems part of the reason I don’t get close to anyone. I don’t have faith in anyone and I barely have it in myself. The only thing I expect of people is that they will let me down…
so I’m sorry to anyone that has tried to get past that with me, I’m sure you haven’t succeeded. Don’t worry though, it may seem like it’s worth it but I assure you it’s not, some people’s baggage is too heavy to carry.
